FabulousLorraine.com

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Guess What I Got For Xmas?

This would be my Christmas present from my Dad's wife, and as she signs it, apparently, from him too. No, not kidding. Yes, it does seem to be a FLOWERED mini-dustpan, calculator, tape measure and dish brush. (hasn't everyone always wanted a matching set?)

No, she is not senile. No, we are not estranged. And yes, they are quite well off as far as money goes.

So WHY would she (or anyone for that matter) send someone a FLOWERED mini dustpan, calculator, tape measure and dish brush???? Did I add, with the price stickers on? Did I add that she sent my two sisters exactly the same gift? Did I add that this was my entire gift?

I need to know, but am kind of afraid to ask.

Now, I don't expect a gift from them, I rarely see them and I sure don't care what someone spends on me, or even if they do. But this is weird.

Is it meant to be hurtful? Is it completely clueless, is this a women who is losing it? How do you see these, in presumably Walmart or the dollar store, and think "Ah-ha! No more shopping! I have found the perfect gift for my husband and I to give his daughters!"

She's big on thank you notes. Exactly how does this one GO?

Dear Dad's Wife,

Thank you SO much for the FLOWERED mini-dustpan, calculator, tape measure and dish brush! Exactly what I wanted! I really needed a mini dustpan for those little spills that are just too small for my regular one, or a little handy sweeping about, and the fact that the dish brush matches is just too perfect!

The calculator was an excellent call! I am SO tired of using my phone or computer, and had really wanted one, but never thought I could own a real one of my own, and my All In One complete tool set one had only the one tape measure, good to have another. I tend to have lots of measuring needs.

It was so good of you to take the time to pick out just the right thing and send it, and good thing you both insured it AND got delivery confirmation! Would have hated to miss it!

Ta-ta.....

I need to purge this from my soul. I need this out of me. I need to UNDERSTAND. I need my real true Spirit back! In a word: I need ART. (OK, three words)

Print the picture or all pictures out, make me a collage, draw things on them, take a picture of my pictures with something awful of yours, or one of your dog or cat eating it. (or whatever) Stick knives in it. Do voodoo on them. Do a painting of them.

Send them to me. Please. Help. Me.

In the name of anyone and everyone who has ever received something like this.

For you see, the best one will be the winner. And the winner is going to get a lovely, really lovely, prize.

Love and Holidays,
Lorraine

PS Edited to Add...

Pictures from my Sister Tracy of HER Tape Measure and Scrub Brush...

PPS Edited to add....

My Sister Karen's sends a pic of HER present this year. (She includes the Mini Dust Pan and Broom the same women sent to us a few years back. I hadn't mentioned she had ALREADY sent one once before, as I wanted this to be believable)

And she figures out how to use the Scrub Brush properly...

245 Comments:

At 02:15 Dragonsally said...: talking of snow...leads me to say...how horrible would it have been to be stuck on those trains in the chunnel on the weekend?
At 03:35 Marjorie said...: It has snowed, here, over night. Main roads are clear, but getting to them less fun as although there is only a very little snow, it's very icy underneath.

Also my shoulder has siezed up and I seem to have acquired a new cold. If it weren't for the fact that I have a Vary Important Meeting this morning I would have been tempted not to come in :-(

As it is, my secretary (who lives up a steep lane) hasn't been able to make it..

Sal, you can have my snow in exchange for some sun, if you like. How do we manage the swap?
At 03:41 Dragonsally said...: *puts on thinking face*

Dan. Where is that transporter?
At 06:09 louisa said...: Happy Solstice Fiends!! It was a beautiful dawn here and is now a gorgeous crisp clear winter day. Here's to the light!
At 07:41 Jane said...: Good morning, everyone!

Robyn, no, you're not catching the flu, it's only sympathetic pains you're having.

I feel like shopping for flowery gifts today - but will totally resist the urge!
At 08:25 FabulousLorraine said...: Morning all!

Riding has gone away today, work seems to be calling strongly, hi hopes for tomorrow tho.

Highpoint this morning so far (except for the shower and hair washing) Mim got the top of the honey pot REALLY stuck to her paw.

It wasn't funny.

And I couldn't stop laughing.

Wish I'd got video..
At 08:31 Wendy Withers said...: Good morning, fiendom!!!!!

Happy Solstice!

Today is my going away party!

And, the high point of my morning was cuddling with Kitty, who decided to snuggle under the covers with me.

Serious Black escaped again last night, but it was cold and he had no food, so he didn't go very far. It's going to be interesting when the only place he can escape to is a hallway full of closed doors.
At 10:24 maqart said...: Long time lurker here, delurking to say I laughed so hard at this post I nearly choked. In our family we call such gifts 'double bedpans', in homage to a wedding gift we received that looked like one.

RE Voudou in New Orleans, check out http://www.feyvodou.com/index1.htm for info on Sallie Ann Glassman (with whom I went to elementary school) proving you can be Jewish and a Voudou Manbo simultaneously!
At 11:29 Marjorie said...: This comment has been removed by the author.
At 11:34 Marjorie said...: Happy Solstice, Fiends!!

And enjoy your party, Wendy, (and all the New Beginnings that follw)
At 12:01 hope said...: Happy Solstice, Fiends!

I have been very very busy with my new house (now six months, but I'm still amazed that I R a homeowner) and holiday baking, and the latest rescue dog, and and and.

Thank fods my loved ones are wierdos who don't feel the need to gift! My favorite gifts are those which give me time (pet-sitting, house-cleaning) or something delicious to eat.

I tend to knit or bake or sew or tink presents, and what with the new house and the constant small repairs, it's all I can do to get the gingerbread and caramels made this season. But everybody understands, and my post-xmas potluck will be the greatest evar.

I kanye-d the Hideous Present, but then something happened and I lost it, d'oh!
At 12:01 hope said...: This comment has been removed by the author.
At 12:42 Na said...: Happy Solstice!

I think officially solstice occured just in the past hour. I'm imagining a camera angle from far in space, watching the Earth move through that point in orbit...

Oh Sally, have we got snow to spare! I am sitting on the sixth floor of an office building. The view out my window is the offset canyons between other office buildings. And down through these canyons the snow is falling heavily, and has been since dawn. Perhaps if I huff and I puff, I can blow some of this southward.

The monsters and I tried to build snowgoons last night, but the snow was too dry. I think today's fall will be more promising.

And at this moment is a person in the office who is a candidate for this job I am filling. It's not bad, it's not good, just weird. And there's an awkwardness with how she interacts with everyone. The director just asked me my impressions. And I told him it seems more important to me that they should hire someone who has a good rapport with everyone tho' somewhat less experience, than someone with more qualifications who keeps her back to half the group during a "coffee break" get-together.
At 12:48 dragonbec said...: I made this one for you!!
Your new presents can fight it out in the snow!!!!
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/VROUSGxPuWqLedz8

But here's my real family fighting it out also :)
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/ywScWippZ11JTI7k
At 12:53 hope said...: dragonbec, there are no words for your awesomeness. Even awesome does not do you justice.

And na, yikes! That would be really strange.
At 12:53 hope said...: dragonbec, there are no words for your awesomeness. Even awesome does not do you justice.

And na, yikes! That would be really strange.
At 13:10 vampi said...: hahaha dragonbec that is brilliant! i love when tape measure gets nutted!.

hahahaha

agreed na, an effective leader is one who can identify and motivate staff, skills can be taught, and it seems to me experience only goes so far.
At 13:20 Na said...: I like the way you summed it up, vampi. And agree wholeheartedly. If you hire the right person, they can learn. And as short a time as I've been here, I've become fond of this group of people and am feeling protective towards them. The person before me was extremely negative and problematic for the group. I hope very much that they'll get someone good to work with in here. I want them to still be happy at work.
At 14:06 Chantrelle said...: Everyone sing along, "on the first day of solstice, my true love gave to me, a 101.5 fever"
At 14:14 Ticia said...: Jeez, Chantrelle! The Solstice is supposed to being back the sun, but you're not supposed to swallow it!

Rest and drink lots of fluids. I hope it passes quickly. :(

How's your arm?
At 14:15 Jess said...: Gah! Fever reducers! Liquids! Rest! Hurry! :(
At 14:19 Fluffy said...: No, Robyn, I dun wanna sing that! Please!

And Dragonbec, I love those videos. Your family is too cute. Way too cute. I mean it! Cut it out. You're making the rest of us look bad.

Mim: *pad, pad* CLUNK! "Rooooowwwww!!!" *pad, pad* CLUNK! "ROOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!" *pad, pad* CLUNK! "Fffft, ffffft!! rrr..." CRASH!!1!...

Na - you are the wisdom of the ages person. And all.
At 14:26 AletaMay said...: Oh Dragonbec that is brilliant!
At 14:54 Wendy Withers said...: I am sitting here at my dead-end job, two and a half hours away from my party, slowly going brain dead, but secure in the knowledge that I only have three more working days to go before I leave this circle of hell forever.

maqart: Thanks for the link!
At 17:16 Adam said...: Thank you note goes like this:

Dear ______,

Thank you for the _____. It was so ____. I will treasure it always.

Your loving _____,

Lorraine.

Then fill in, "Father's wife," "Dusstpan, brush, etc.", "random," "step-daughter."

Feel free to use form for all your X-mas thank you note needs.
At 17:38 vampi said...: adam, the fatal flaw with that letter is that she will think you treasure it and want more. need a sentence that says thank you, we had a lot of fun mocking the presents, cheers.
At 17:51 Erin Underwood said...: Thank you note Mad Libs!
At 17:58 Na said...: Chantrelle! Time to start passing you *tea* and *poultices* and *soup* and all. Take care of you.

Update - I learned that out of nine of us, all but one had the same impression from this morning's informal interview. Fortunately there's another person they can consider, who lives fairly close. I have a good feeling about that. And thanks, Fluffy. It's been an educational sort o' day. The kind that wrings one out a bit. Wish we had a hot tub! Super-hot shower will have to suffice.
At 19:01 Marjorie said...: Adam's note could work if you filled in the gaps using the suggested words and phrases randomly....
At 19:12 Unknown said...: This comment has been removed by the author.
At 19:15 Erin Underwood said...: Marjorie, it could also work if written from the dustpan's perspective. :-)

Bah! I just posted this under the wrong name. Sorry about that. Sometimes technology outwits me completely.
At 19:35 Na said...: (thanks Fluffy, that is, assuming "wisdom of the ages" etc is a good thing)

like the idea of random arrangement of terms to fill in.
At 19:43 Beez said...: bwahahaha! dragonbec, I love the snowball fight!.

Ah. Vampi, the trick to that not happening with the note is to leave the lines on it.

*nods*

Then it shows that the note took just about as much thought as the gift did....unless she really DID think about it, in which case ewwwwww.
At 19:48 Ms T said...: Ooh. That gift's...special.

Actually it looks like the kind of thing my stepmother would send me, but I know she would have meant well. Like when she tried to reduce the amount of black in my wardrobe by sending me nice, pastel shirts. Despite pastels not really working with my colouring. Or general demeanour. Ah, bless. :)

Or maybe floral lady tools are the modern day equivalents of poisoned apples?
At 19:55 FabulousLorraine said...: Still at work. Made wonderful curry tho...Going to do a new post, hate to leave this one, it is so sweet and all, but....
At 20:07 FabulousLorraine said...: New Post is UP!!!!!!!!!!

Go you, forget the Hideous Gifts and laugh!
At 23:06 Helen said...: Oh my.
Words fail me.
Personally, I'd split up the set, spread it around a bit.
You could give it as a secret santa gift to the same person for years! She'd wonder, each successive year, how you managed to exactly match the things from the prior years.
.
.
This calls for a truly special gift in return -- what CAN you do to match this? Matching toilet paper roll covers, and um... paper towel covers, and .. um... oh rats, I can't think of anything worthy.
At 19:01 Pirate Alice said...: um...wow.. just... wow. Ya know, I'd NOT send a thank you card and when she calls to ask why I'd say, "well, I put all the thought and effort into your thank you card that you put into purchasing that gift."
At 10:12 KJ said...: That is so weird.
At 13:23 Nanci said...: I can't believe no one spotted this!

http://www.figdg.com/prettytools/
At 13:26 Nanci said...: Here's the full range:

http://www.prettyusefultools.com/index.html

Lorraine, I think you're meant to make origami flowers and be able to sweep up the cuttings!
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Saturday, December 19, 2009

Guess What I Got For Xmas?

245 Comments:

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