Thursday, November 12, 2009

Surviving a Horror Movie....

My friend Elyse, publicist from Harper Collins and all around COOL women, mentioned on Twitter tonight that all the lights on her floor had gone off, and was it ok to go home now....??

I said I was sure it was fine UNLESS she was in a horror movie. Maddy and I had been talking just then, (while watching JAWS which she had never seen, and I can't recall ever seeing,) about who was going to make it, and who was NOT thru the Horror Movie.

I told her there were RULES for this sort of thing, and she should learn them. They are all over the internet, I found this site and culled these from HERE but they are all over. Google "Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie" There are a LOT more out there....

I didn't make them up, so please don't attribute them to me, if you haven't seen these before. I just thought we should remind ourselves, in case we ever find ourselves in Elyse's position, or in a Horror Movie of our own......

When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.

If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

Do not fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

If you're running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.

If your car runs out of gas late at night, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.

Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.

If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.

Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.

When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!

Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.

If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you.

If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.

SEX=DEATH

If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.

If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.

If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!

If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.

Never go back for anything you lost.

Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.

Remember: Just say "NO" to human blood.

If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.

If you are running away from the killer/monster, don't even try to start the car. It doesn't matter if the car is brand new, it won't start.

If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let's say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.

When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.

Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.

If a giant shark is chasing your family, do not go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.

If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you're pretty much screwed.

If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.

Love and Horror,
Lorraine

66 Comments:

At 21:24 Blogger Siri said...

I agree - TURN ON THE DAMN LIGHTS, no matter how big assed your flashlight is.

At 21:27 Blogger Kate T said...

Don't forget: Don't open the closet. Whatever you think you need, you can do without it.

At 21:27 Blogger Jess said...

Candygram.

At 21:32 Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Uh, fixed the link...Very tired girl I am tonight. I mean, it's like after 9.

Going to turn off all the lights, lie down in my every so Gothic Romance Room and assume all sounds ARE the cats...

At 21:48 Blogger Elyse said...

This is my testimony to the veracity of Lorraine's survival tips: I am at home, drinking a cup of tea. Thanks Fabulous Lorraine, I couldn't have done it without you xoxo

At 21:52 Blogger vampi said...

darn you jess, that is so what i was going to post!

thanks for the tips quiche, this made my day.

At 22:08 Blogger Dragonsally said...

Oh how I love thee...

I could have done with those before watching ep 2 of V (which by the way, I'm loving). I was nervous and its broad daylight!

At 22:30 Anonymous kali_licious said...

If you are female, DON'T wear heels, they'll only break and make it even easier for the monster to get you.

And the one that always bugs me in horror films - Learn to see (and use) the things around you as weapons, instead of merely knocking them down as you run away.

Jess - Great link!

At 23:02 Blogger One Sock Short said...

Well, I've never trusted clowns anyway. But Coffee? Coffee always helps. If only to make death seem not-too-bad.

At 23:17 Blogger Dragonsally said...

and you could throw hot coffee in the monsters face. Sure to get you a few seconds reprieve

At 23:21 Blogger Dean said...

If you are being pursued, do not bother trying to call for help. No matter where you are, there will be no cellphone reception. Any lane phone you find will be broken, probably by having the handset cord cut.

At 00:09 Blogger spacedlaw said...

I don't live in a horror movie but sometimes at night, I hear the cats - who live upstairs from me - drop and roll on the floor things that sound like severed heads.
I just sigh, turn around and go back to sleep. It sounds so much like the safer option...

At 00:24 Blogger spacedlaw said...

That looks suspiciously like spam...
Spam sandwich anyone?

At 01:46 Blogger Marjorie said...

::snort:: these are great.

Also - if there are two of you, Don't Split Up

(As BtVS's Willow put it "Quicker, yes, but not safer"

At 02:03 Blogger Na said...

excellent!

At 02:04 Blogger Na said...

and LOL

At 05:54 Blogger Phiala said...

Hey! What's wrong with decorating in medieval weaponry?

The weapon-to-human ratio in my house is...well, you probably don't want to know.

At 06:08 Blogger Shantra said...

Darn I missed V again?? I watched the original and the night it was on I had a nightmare, woke up and.. I kid you not there was a figure standing by my bed. I totally freaked, drew in my breath and started screaming. The figure also started screaming. My ex woke up pretty quick and was shaking me saying.. it's Laura.. it's Laura! My poor baby was only about 6 at the time I think, I scared the hell out of her.

I can never EVER understand why they go and investigate what the noise is can you? It is never good. Leave it alone.

At 07:13 Blogger EmilyLady said...

Okay, point taken. I read "The Exorcist" not too long ago and am debating seeing the movie, even though my mother says it's impossible not to laugh at it. Personally I don't laugh at cheap old effects, so long as the story is worthwhile.

At 07:42 Blogger anna banana said...

I would not want to be in a horror film! *shudder* I might try the zen route, and just let whatever happens happen. Would make for a pretty boring horror movie, haha.

At 08:10 Blogger Jess said...

Vampi - Muhahahahaha! I win at internets! :P

I, too, have tea. Needs more toast with it. Good morning.

At 08:16 Blogger Na said...

True fact (have I told you all before?), I have been in a horror movie. Of sorts. Several high school friends dreamt of becoming filmmakers. One, poor sod, cast me once. I turned out to be the killer. Among the murder weapons were dental floss and a spork. If you ask me, the scariest bit was my acting, though. Thanks fods, it was just a Super-8 or similar camera reel, I felt so bad when I saw the finished product. :D

At 08:33 Blogger Jess said...

I'm trying to figure out how the spork would work. (Not sure what that says about me.) But to think that all this time I've been worrying about those knives in my knife block on the work surface! Oh, and the rusty pickaxe in the basement.

Why am I announcing the location of the potentiallly lethal items in my house to the internet?! There should be a rule about that, too.

At 08:41 Blogger Dan Guy said...

Classic.

At 08:45 Blogger Na said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 08:46 Blogger Na said...

Spork was to the eye. So maybe my victim bled to death via the eye? Hmmm.

Jess, we have a rusty pick ax somewhere too! Also a nice shiny new one. But I don't know where they are. Uh oh.

At 08:47 Blogger Jane said...

Great list - read aloud to Steve over breakfast. Good entertainment. And all true :-)

However, I can't really blame the cat for noises these days, and if I DO think he's made a noise, I run to see if he's OK. The monster will get me for sure while I'm checking that Calvin is still breathing!

Though I exaggerate, Calvin seems to feel good today - sigh of relief for that.

At 08:50 Blogger Na said...

(Doh. Accidentally posted while editing post. :P I should not be trying to play and work my computer at the same time, mayhap. Or is that what everyone's doing?)

At 09:42 Blogger Erin Underwood said...

Some of these had me tearing up they were so funny. Yet! Every horror movie has someone who doesn't follow the darned rules.

Survival of the fittest. Run. Just run! ... and yes, turning on the lights helps, too. :-)

Thanks for the morning laugh. I loved it!

At 09:50 Blogger Erin Underwood said...

Oh, and you guys have to check this out. I'm in awe!

The IAF's auction is in full swing and here are a few of the art peices that were donated: IAF Auction. All of the pieces where fashioned after stories in the Interfictions series...and they're so pretty!

Q, sorry for the hi-jack. I just got excited when I saw all of the pretty pictures online.

At 11:07 Blogger Chantrelle said...

Clowns are not harmless. Clowns are terrifying. One of my biggest fears.

LOVE the rules.

My body thinks it has a cold. No matter how much I tell it it's not sick, it keeps trying to convince me by slamming a sledgehammer to my temples or shooting pain into my neck, coughing or making my nose run. It just doesn't understand that I"M NOT SICK!!

Can't be, I'm going to be on KFJC radio with Amacker today talking about FoodPorn. I love that crazy woman. She's going to make me laugh and I'm going to be a giggling fool but it'll be fun. Maybe it'll drive up the traffic on the site, it's taken an unexplained dive this month.

I'm going to go explore dark corners of the house (no basements around here), backwards, with my latin-speaking child and lean against the wall when the coast is clear now.

At 11:14 Blogger One Sock Short said...

How about a companion Rules for Disaster Films list? We can test them out on 2012; though based on the previews, I already think they apply.

1) There must be a relationship that is either at risk or already broken. The disaster will heal the breach.

2) There must be a pair of young and beautiful people who will fall in love while fighting for their lives.

3) There must be a person or institution in authority that was stupid, or greedy, or both. The decision they made (to cut safety corners, to ignore the scientist, etc.) is to blame for the disaster.

4) The plot, characterizations, and dialogue must totally suck, so as not to distract the audience from the wicked cool special effects.

Care to add to the list?

At 11:16 Blogger Na said...

5) There must be a small child in danger at some point during the film, for the beautiful couple and/or the couple with relationship difficulties to rescue. It does not have to be their own child.

At 11:24 Blogger Erin Underwood said...

OSS, that's great! Seriously!

It's funny how well good writing and dialog can expose the defects in of a poorly constructed plot in an action/disaster film.

I'm hoping to go to 2012 tomorrow. Now I"m going to have the companion rulez in my head! Doh!

At 11:50 Blogger vampi said...

oss, another one... follow the protagonist, they may be wrong and you might still die, but the fellowship of the protagonist has the best odds for seeing the end credits.

At 12:19 Blogger Jane said...

7) The pet (cat or dog) will be fine against all odds.

At 12:19 Blogger Jane said...

Great idea, Linda!

At 12:54 Blogger Na said...

8) There will be one character who is a walking encyclopedia or otherwise has access to all information the protagonist will need to survive the movie. If this is not the protagonist theirself, it will likely be their best friend/office mate.

At 12:58 Blogger vampi said...

na you forgot the caveat that the encyclopedia person will die or lose their source of information at a very critical time.

At 13:11 Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Laughing! I thought this would be a fun idea, especially it being Friday the 13th, tho I hadn't noticed when I did it for ELyse....

WILD ride today. Not the horse, havn't even BEEN to the stable yet, tho I am going shortly. It's been all about work so far.....

Might take some Horsie pictures while I am there today....

At 13:20 Blogger Marjorie said...

Horsie pictures would be nice :-)

At 13:21 Blogger Marjorie said...

Shall you be riding the new horse?

At 13:28 Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

No, the new Horsie, Illicit Affair, has some back problems. His last owner did not keep his head down when riding and it made his back out of wack.

You keep their heads down, and in, as then they use different muscles, it feels commpletely different, much smoother ride, much less work for both you and the horse, and better for them.

Once he is healed, and Melissa says it is all good, THEN I can ride him. He needs to put on weight too, he is very thin just now. It will be a few months, but I'll see if I can get a pick of him, the darling.

At 13:36 Blogger Marjorie said...

Ah, I remeber you said he'd ben hurt, but hadn't realisaed he was still recuperating.Hope he continues to improve.
Have a lovely ride.

At 13:58 Blogger EmilyLady said...

Quiche, Jack, who has watched more horror movies than any of us, got a kick out of this post.

And Na, quite interesting about you being in a horror film of ... sorts.

Ben and Jack have Battle of the Bands tonight! Cross your fingers (it IS Friday the Thirteenth. Though Ben is the suspicious one, not I. He was not happy to find the black cat in the garden this morning ... even though there are some four or five black cats in this little neighborhood).

At 14:04 Blogger Na said...

vampi - too right! and then the protagonist must *gasp* figure the last key element out for themself!

happy riding, Q!

At 14:25 Blogger Erin Underwood said...

It's Friday the 13th? Oy! I'm so out of touch.

I hope the lovely horsie feels better soon.

Emily, here's to wishing the guys some good luck. :-)

At 15:06 Blogger fairbetty said...

"If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared."

I love it!

What did you think of Jaws? It terrifies me, but I think it's superbly well directed and played, as well...

At 15:55 OpenID MasterBillyBones said...

Yikes! I almost missed this blog. One of the best ones EVER!

Of course if I follow the rules, I'll have to pretty much just sit on my hands in my spooky world.

But it is best to be prepared.

At 15:57 Blogger Na said...

Disaster films survival guide point: Practice throwing your arms over your face/head while falling, because there will at some point during the story be a huge explosion or other mass movement of (hopefully) inanimate material.

At 15:59 Blogger Na said...

How scary would a clown doll talking in Aramaic be, eh?

At 17:46 Blogger Fluffy said...

Pretty darn scary, especially if it was pulling the knife out of your knife block and LOOKING AT YOU!

At 19:08 Blogger Precision Grace said...

Does anyone want a small tabby cat that looks semi bengal like? I'm giving my away after tonight's debacle.

At 20:12 Blogger ariandalen said...

But...what about appliances that turn themselves off? And to televisions count as appliances? Our one month old Sony Bravia has turned itself off a few times. And my cell phone did a weird thing this morning after Don called; it never shut itself off.

At 20:13 Blogger Dragonsally said...

Especially scary if the clown's partner was a ventriloquist's doll. Oi, Chucky.

I may not sleep tonight after all of this.

At 20:14 Blogger ariandalen said...

Okay, so that should be "DO televisions count as appliances?"

sheesh

At 20:31 Blogger Precision Grace said...

Oh, did I mentioned my DVD Freeview stopped working mysteriously and my TV mysteriously switched itself off this evening? I shouldn't have read these (very humorous) rules, methinx.

At 20:32 Blogger Precision Grace said...

My Tv switched itself ON, not off. Gah, I'm having one of those days.

Finally remembering to do the ticky box too.

At 20:53 Blogger AmyR said...

Woops, I explore deserted towns on purpose. Maybe I should start carrying a sidearm. You know, just in case!

At 21:53 Blogger EmilyLady said...

They lost, but they tried. Auditions for "13" tomorrow. We'll see ... busy Saturday ... so auditions in the morning and then straight to work and no time for my library's biannual book sale ... I feel I've betrayed them. Oh well. Have things to do. Including sleep. Sleep time. Sleep ... (collapses) Slap me if you need me.

At 23:10 Blogger DataGoddess said...

Why did I read this right before heading for bed? At least Dan is there to protect me, the noise of his CPAP would scare anything away!!

Have any of you seen the rules for evil overlords before? Always cracks me up.

At 08:39 Blogger Jane said...

Toni - really funny rules. And sensible :-)

At 10:36 Blogger Shantra said...

Dutch was adopted yesterday by a young man. Praying for a happy life for him and no return to the shelter.

At 11:50 Blogger FabulousLorraine said...

Shantra, hurrah! Good on you!

And ok, Rules for Evil Overlords is STILL cracking me up.....

And new Horse post is UP!!!!!!!

At 11:52 Blogger dabbler said...

We just had a local rescue effort tale 115 cats and 2 dogs from a home a couple miles from me. Mostly purebred, mostly from shelters over the last several years. At least four are in critical condition, and all were starved, flea ridden, and
many had skin conditions. Poor kitties. The article didn't list Bengals as one of the breeds. More info here:

http://www.philly.com/dailynews/local/20091112_115_cats__2_dogs_seized_in_Montco.html or
www.pals.pets.org

At 12:14 Blogger Marjorie said...

Evil Overlord rules are fnatastic. especially 9 & 15.

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