Had a GREAT weekend, even if little sleep was had. Time enough for sleeping in the grave I say. I had meant to take lots of pics for you, but I am not, it seems, a photographer. Here's the one I took. That's my friend Jinx. And the Naptown Sirens. Can you tell, in either case? No. You cannot.

Thanks to Allie Gator, from the Mad Rollin Dolls, who wrote Joan of Dark and I asking if we were coming down to Brew-haha, I ended up in Milwaukee on Sunday, watching some of the best Derby I'd ever seen. In the space of answering her letter, I went from "Well, no, I gig Saturday night, Joan is in Indiana, what are we meant to do, fly her up here and drive all night?" to "What a FABULOUS idea!"

We went for it. It was barking mad, and shouldn't have worked, but it did, and I am glad of it. Beyond inspired, seeing skating like that. Sirens, Belles, Dolls, MN Roller Girls: Thank you. Needed that. I know what I'm working for, and I know what I want. I want to be that FIT and skate that well. I love you all and someday, I really want to hit you. (did I just hear a mass "That's what she said"???

Here's me, Allie Gator and Joan of Dark, before Allie's Bout.
When I started Blogging last August about getting FIT, I told you: No more secrets. It was all going out there. The good, the bad, the wins and the FAIL.

Got a FAIL going on now, and in the hopes it might help me get over it, I'm writing a bit now. I'm doing GREAT on the workouts. Skate three times a week, doing sports training with some of my teammates twice a week, seeing Little Evil privately an hour a week but I'm not eating right.

Sure, I know HOW, it ain't rocket science. And I can cook, really well. I cook for my Boss, Vegan, healthy meals that belong on a cooking show, those salads are so pretty (if I do say so myself) and I do pretty good in the daytime, but I am mucking up far too often. But I'm not doing it for myself.

It's too easy to think (or NOT think) "Chips won't hurt, oh look, chocolate, ah, hello pasta..." when I get home so tired and late. I'm mucking up and not liking this about myself. I don't quit or fail in the workouts, but I have a trainer, or teammates there right beside me. I don't have anyone cooking for me, saying: Here is your dinner, this is what you GET.

I'm telling you so I can look this in the eye and beat it. The reason I am not losing weight is I am not eating right. Must have BEEN doing it right, down 35 pounds since August, and yes, it DOES take a long time, but I've been hanging out here now for a couple of months now and nothing is happening.

And it's my ownself failing.

I need to think about this 24/7 and I need it to start happening.

Allie posted this on Twitter this morning, and it is that simple, and this true. And so damm hard to DO. But when you want something more than anything you've ever wanted, there has to be a way to reach down into yourself and Make It Happen.

"In order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, & effort. -Jesse Owens"

There. That's out.

I want my dreams to come true. And I want it to start happening NOW.

Love and Dreams into Reality,
Lorraine

All about New Hair, at least as far as pictures go, but as we've never lopped off all my hair before, we're going for it. (All of us. I may be confused as to point of view here for the moment. It's early. I gigged last night.)

First picture by the Boss. The sad thing about me and the camera is I have what are known as Anti-modeling Skills. No, kid you not. I'm actually pretty darn hot in real life, but get me in front of a camera and my face goes all " I AM VERY SURE SOMETHING QUITE BAD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN"

Here is the entire Village turned out to try and get that ONE picture where both me and my hair are rocking. This picture by Kelly McCullough

The Gig last night was full of surprises. Even for me. Anyone remember Folk Underground? That was Paul and I with Trevor Hartman, before we went all duo, haven't seen Trevor in yonks, but fate tossed us one and he was DJ'ing at the same venue and came on down after he was done and sat in. Show went long and we pulled out some of the old songs and had a really wonderful time. Got all weepy we did, and definitely hoisted a glass to old friends.

A proper nice warm up for tonight's show, I say. Got some more fun surprises happening. Ones I know about even. And a few I am quite sure I do NOT know about.

One thing I am noticing is when you skate Derby, it tends to creep into everything. When you're driving, you're the jammer and the other cars are blockers. Same thing in a crowd. Many of the skills I am learning tho, do NOT work on stage. Need to remember that. No hip checking your bandmate. And yes, we do jam, and I play all the lead breaks, but yelling "I'm your lead Jammer, Bitches" at the crowd may well be mis-interpreted.

My hair goes all Cyclops at the drop of a hat now. Actually, hat might help matters. I played a lot of half of it in my mouth or stuck to my lips last night. Need to figure that one out. Gets caught in the strings too.

Tonight's rock will include more standing too. Sitting: not so much my friend yet.

Another shot from the Boss, who can take good pictures of me. (Forstalling the comments here: As can Kyle Cassidy, Tom Klubens and Marc Lebryck. Guys, you rock, but you aren't HERE)

Rapture tonight. I'm a little in the dark about who exactly gets taken and if I am going or not. I've a friend who is flying tonight, landing almost EXACTLY at rapture time. Does being IN a plane up your chances? Should I even bother going to the airport for her? She's not exactly a SAINT, mind you, but she's not evil or anything.

Who goes? Who stays? And who gets the cool STUFF the people who gets taken leave behind?

(My favorite Rapture Tweet has to be this one, wish I remembered whose it was: "If a Jammer is in the box during the Rapture and the other Jammer gets taken, is she considered to have left the game?" Little Derby humor there.)

On the odd chance that myself, my bandmate and most of YOU lot will still be here this evening, I've kept the gig and we are having a PARTY.

However you spend the Rapture tonight, I hope it is lovely for you.

See you tomorrow, Sinners,

Love and Rapture,
Lorraine

PS Did I mention I LOVE this new hair? Forget long. Don't miss it even a little. Once you make the change, you'll never go back. Trust me. (At least that's what she said....)

First off tonight, we have only pics from my Blackberry. My camera seems to be elsewhere. Where might be anyone's guess, but it's not HERE and if I wait until I find it, we may not get to a post for some time. So we'll make do.

Every year about this time I get the urge to, you know, Garden. Buy plants, make the Spooky House Gardens a thing of beauty and wonder. (Generally I achieve the "wonder") I don't have a lot of time tho, and I think I lack vision, an idea of what it wants to look like. Or knowledge of what should go where and be planted how, to get whatever it is I am trying to achieve.

Things get planted everywhere, around a general idea of "Sure do like purple"

But every year I try. Which is the point.

In one sense, I got lucky this year. One of my Derby sisters has a greenhouse, a proper one where they sell, you know, plants. In another sense: not so lucky. In a regular sort of year, I would go to the store, buy the things and they would thrive or not, but I wouldn't be seeing the person who sold them to me four times a week, nor, I am sure, would they much care about my success or failure. Business transaction, pure and simple.

Not so much this year.

This women KNOWS her plants. I don't mean just what Sort of plant they are, or their names, both proper and common, or what they need in terms of care (tho she DOES, trust me) But, each single plant. Each pot and arrangement, because she made them. Grew them. From babies. And now I am responsible for them. They'll need the right light, they'll need to be, um, WATERED. Regularly, apparently.

It's like adopting a pet. Or buying someone's art. (tho with art, once you've had it framed, and if you can manage a hook and a hammer and hang it on the wall, you're generally pretty safe)

I want to do right by them.

I listened very carefully when she explained what I need to do, and in the lucky column, I can call her if things get BAD, and she'll come over and help me out. It's too cold for them to be outside right now (Listen to me, sounds just like I am now an expert, doesn't it?) so I brought them into the kitchen, which now smells wonderful. I watched the Bengals closely for a while, to see if anyone felt like doing some snacking. I asked everyone if they wanted a drink. (The plants, not the Bengals. Or me.)

I'll check on them before I go to bed. And in the morning, we'll have coffee. I can sing to them. I will buy a misting bottle and give them a light mist if their leaves curl. I will give them names, and get excited for them when they grow a new leaf, or make a flower. I may well takes pics and carry them in my wallet. I will certainly give you regular updates throughout the summer.

It might work out this year. It could happen.

Slammer, we've been home for an hour now, and everyone seems just fine. I'll call you in the morning and let you know how the night went.

Love and Gardens,
Lorraine

Something bad happened a long time ago,
and we've never really gotten over it,
You and I….

Some Adventures make good telling, on winter nights, by the fire,
We could Talk Stories, stories that started,
Do you remember the time?
They'd go on in glory, and in challenges met, demons vanquished
Hearts won, and hearts victorious, having come thru the darkness, to freedom.
We were young, and strong and had never thought of failure.
Safe, warm and together, we could laugh, and say again, do you remember the time that,
You and I…

There are Adventures that are told in the sun, the ones we made up,
as they went along, not knowing, at the time,
they were the stuff that legends are made of.
We were just having fun,
going where life led us, and didn't it all seem like a good idea,
at the time?
We dreamt, we believed...
A Castle, a Rose, or two, A Charm? A Forest?
Madame, I was ready,
We knew what was in there.
We've lived in interesting times.
You and I…

But there are tales that are not Adventures at all, but simply Tragedies,
Which are, one supposes,
Adventures that didn't quite work out.
The ones where you fought and burned brightly, carried a sword,
And never never never gave up, except...
You lost.
These are the ones you don't forget,
written onto your soul, they are,
For this lifetime, and the next….
And on until, you meet again, and can only look at each other and wonder,
If you can ever get it right, knowing no matter what,
You could, given, only: One. More. Chance.
It could happen, with,
You and I….

Never ask your future. Never forget what you know.
Never play with hearts or leave the one you love, because
If you forget for an instant, make one mistake, and,
You find yourself later, forever later, wondering, what it was,
You did wrong,
The village on fire, the children crying, handcuffed in irons, and sentenced to be hung?
You'll ask yourself who was to blame, and then know,
It doesn't matter now.
Oh, we knew the rules,
And we knew what was in there.
Only, it's just, we never never never thought…
We'd lose.
You and I...

But once we mattered,
You and I..

Love and Poems,
Lorraine

It's the sort of morning when you notice things. I suppose the first thing we notice is that Freaky Venus is looking nicely EVIL these days. That's her "You suck, where is my supper" look. It doesn't have much to do with anything this morning, but it was all I had in the way of interesting pictures.

First thing I noticed this morning was being all sore, which made me happy. No fun taking a week off and getting back to skating last night was joy. I see Little Evil today again too, and if there is no riding yet THIS week, I am sure next week will be fine.

One thing of skating last night was the FEAR thing we've talked about. I could feel it, getting on skates again. Oh, yeah, it was there. First in my body, then in my head. Really, really didn't want to fall like that again, and doubt was coming in, and that was scary. I finally mentioned it to another skater, and said, I think I'm afraid, which in itself is a really scary thing to admit, you dont' want to come across like a wuss, or a baby in this sport.

She grinned and said "I bet you are! But look how you're catching yourself, going low and forward, you won't make the mistake again of going backwards." She was right. And I am getting better at skating, it's practice, and learning. It's different, way different, than skating on ice. Sure, I'll fall again, and get hit, and take some knocks, but I'm not afraid of that now. And I forgot about the fear, and learned.

If you need to say out loud "I'm afraid" say it. And that's one of the things I am loving most about Derby, and there's a long list. That having someone, a whole lot of someone's, you can not only be completely yourself around, but admit out loud things you don't like about yourself, secrets like that, and know that they are going to understand. And not think less of you. And that makes you stronger.

Well, for a Blog that was going to be about gardening and the very sorry state of mine, this sure went other places. Good enough. Writing about things that scare you is good too. It's like getting FIT. Fall, fail all you must, but get the heck back UP and go on with it.

As far as my Garden goes, come over. Work in it. Plant some things. Pick up all those stick things that seemed to have rained down. Everyone is invited. It will be like a party. We'll have fun. It will be beautiful. It will grow.

Yup. Bordering on a metaphor here, so I think I am done.

For the moment.

Love and Gardens,
Lorraine

Here's a Scott Thomas photo from the Bout the other night. You can view the full set HERE, and you should, wonderful photos, my own personal Derby Screen Saver got WAY cooler. I have a LOT of great Derby photos on that Screen Saver (Thank You Tom Klubens and Marc Lebryk!) but I am not yet used to the thrill of seeing the women I skate with pop up. And "Thrill" is exactly the word. I tend to actually CHEER. Which amuses the Bengals to no end.

One thing I would like to say today is, yes, I did get hurt skating last Sunday, but I did it my ownself, with no help from anyone. I was off balance and landed hard on my, er, butt. My fault, been told often enough, STAY LOW, and it's not a lesson I will ever forget again. It's not broken, just really bruised, and Joan of Dark says it happens to everyone, it hurts, but it's not fatal. It will keep me out of action for a week or so, then I'll be fine and back working out, riding and skating.

Could have happened just the same to anyone skating at an open skate, or sidewalk. Could have happened riding, could have happened slipping on the ice this winter. And who hasn't missed a step and gone down the stairs? Unfortunate, but in no way a Derby injury.

The point is, you can get hurt at any time, doing anything. Whatever. Never never never give up and never let it stop you from doing each and every little thing you have ever wanted to do. Whatever it IS you want, you need to go out and GET IT. The second you start thinking "Well, I want to, and will, but can't now because (Inset whatever)" or "I'm way too scared to try..." STOP it right then, and GO DO IT.

You might fail. WHATEVER. I did with the bees a couple weeks ago, wanting to handle them without gloves. Couldn't do it. But I sure tried. And I guarantee you, you will feel better about yourself for having tried. Skating, getting FIT, writing, music, making art, what ever your personal goals are, they aren't going to be EASY, nothing worth it IS. And the next time: You may well win.

Even if you have to sit with an ice pack on your butt for a week.

There. That's my wisdom for the day.

Here's some Bengal Vid for you to enjoy. Sadly, I had the tv on when I went to try this, and not my cool morning music. Tried to re-shoot this morning, with a proper soundtrack, but all three Bengals looked at me and went to nap, en masse.

That happens sometimes.



Love and Living,
Lorraine