My friend Elyse, publicist from Harper Collins and all around COOL women, mentioned on Twitter tonight that all the lights on her floor had gone off, and was it ok to go home now....??
I said I was sure it was fine UNLESS she was in a horror movie. Maddy and I had been talking just then, (while watching JAWS which she had never seen, and I can't recall ever seeing,) about who was going to make it, and who was NOT thru the Horror Movie.
I told her there were RULES for this sort of thing, and she should learn them. They are all over the internet, I found this site and culled these from HERE
but they are all over. Google "Rules for Surviving a Horror Movie" There are a LOT more out there....
I didn't make them up, so please don't attribute them to me, if you haven't seen these before. I just thought we should remind ourselves, in case we ever find ourselves in Elyse's position, or in a Horror Movie of our own......
When it appears you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not go search for something in the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not speak, or if they speak to you using a voice which is not their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you the grief in the long run. *NOTE* It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other house of the dead.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Do not fool around with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
If you're running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, developing a fascination with blood, glowing eyes, foaming at the mouth and increasing hairiness, get away from them as fast as possible.
If your car runs out of gas late at night, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to call for help. Likewise if your car has broken down, and the only refuge for miles is that creepy old mansion/castle on the hill. Stay in the car.
Listen closely to the soundtrack and pay attention to the audience. They are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Never listen to music that contains staccato shrieking violins.
If you are a woman, never strip and take a shower in slow motion.
Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knives in one of those wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
When you are searching a house because you think there is something dangerous there, turn on the damn lights!
Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always behind you.
If you are being chased, never lean against the wall when you think you lost him. He'll just pop through and kill you.
If you are at your Senior prom, and the school reject has just won prom queen, slowly back away and run for the exit. All hell is about to break loose.
If you are a stoner among other stoners, be the quiet one or the lovable one. All the other stoners will be killed.
If you sense something is behind you, don't bother turning around to check. Just run.
If you ever visit some distant planet and find objects that look like eggs, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!
If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.
Clowns never have, nor will they ever be helpful to hang around while in a horror movie. As harmless as the might seem, they WILL kill you once you let your guard down.
Never go back for anything you lost.
Never buy your kid a toy that talks back.
Remember: Just say "NO" to human blood.
If the young girls of the neighborhood start singing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.
If you are running away from the killer/monster, don't even try to start the car. It doesn't matter if the car is brand new, it won't start.
If you hear a strange noise coming from upstairs that sounds similar to, oh let's say a severed head falling to the floor, don't go trying to find out what it is.
When battling zombies, always sever their head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. There's no hope for you anyway.
Don't spend a lot of time in houses decorated with an excessive amount of medivel weaponry. It will be used eventually.
If a giant shark is chasing your family, do not go swimming. Actually, stay away from the water, period.
If the movie is directed by someone named Wes Craven or John Carpenter, you're pretty much screwed.
If you DO happen to get killed, make sure it's in a cheap low-budget gore-fest with no plot, so you can come back and kick ass, no explanation needed.
Love and Horror,